Being a Mom...

is one of the strangest experiences I have ever had. Now, don't get me wrong. I love my kids. I love them more than anything in the entire world and I am so lucky to have them.

But last night, while I was showering the poo off me from Jake's most recent blowout, I realized that being a mother is the most disgusting and thankless job ever.

Think about it.

When you are a mom, you have to clean poo, puke, pee and any other bodily fluid from your child. You have to change diapers. You have to feed them that vile smelling baby food. You have to clean their rooms, their messes, them...all for no pay and no thanks.

So I got out of the shower, toweled off, got in clean clothes, and the baby spit up all over me.

FRAKKING HELL.

Now, I know that being a mother is also a rewarding job. I have enjoyed watching Lindsey grow up before my eyes, and I am lucky enough to stay home with her and watch her become an amazing child. She is awesome and I love her more than I ever thought was possible. I also enjoy watching Jacob discover the world around him. He's at that stage that everything is super cool and intriguing. I delight in watching him crawl and learning to stand up by himself.

Truly, there are more good days than bad days.

Having said that, my son just had another poopy blow-out and blew a raspberry when he had a mouth full of butternut squash so I am not smelling the best. Add on to that the scent of sweat from my workout and I'm thankful that I don't know any of my neighbors who were outside when I went out for my newspaper.

Life Goes On

Even though my life is depressing at the moment, I am reminded that I am better off than so many people. I look at my kids and I remember truly how blessed I am to have them in my life.

Lindsey is amazing. She's so smart. She is reading very well and writing almost as well. She kind of has her mama's bad handwriting. :) She lights up when it is time for her lessons. She likes math much more than reading and writing though. That must come from her dad, because it definitely isn't from me. We've started on simple multiplication, and she seems to be getting it quite well. Tonight was her last night at soccer. She is so good at sports. She really enjoys being outdoors and active, and I hope that this continues. Jake and I really enjoy going out every Tuesday night and watching her. Her favorite activity right now is swimming. I've finally relaxed a little and now I don't have a heart attack every time she goes underwater. Her lung capacity is pretty amazing, and she's learned how to flip underwater! I didn't learn that until I was like, in fourth grade :) Her newest favorite food is a *walking taco*, with tortilla chips, taco meat, lettuce, cheese and sour cream. She's been helping me cook lunch and dinner, and is very...imaginative in the kitchen :)

Jake is a great baby. For the most part. He's still pretty fussy. Fussier than Lindsey ever was, and I thought she was bad. But no matter how long he cries for, when I pick him up he gives me this huge one-toothed smile that makes it all worth it. He started crawling on father's day, which was a nice present for Danny. He does the army commando crawl and his knees look all raw and swollen, but he doesn't mind. He'll crawl very quickly to any food or his sister's racecar slippers! He's been trying new foods too. He's eight months old, and I find that with the second child, I'm a little more lax than I was with my first. He's had some foods that I've mashed up, like corn, and blueberries, and he LOVES it! Still not a big fan of green vegetables, but there isn't much food he'll turn away. Except for turkey. He doesn't like baby turkey. It DOES smell pretty vile, so I can only imagine what it tastes like :) He weighed in at 18 pounds at the doctors office last week, but he'll have an appointment on the 21st and they'll let us know how he's doing as far as percentiles.

Dan and I are doing ok. Dan's been working a lot and I've been enjoying my first summer off since I've started college. I'm struggling to keep the house clean with Jake being mobile now. Lindsey's never really had to worry about small toys, so I'm constantly reminding her or picking up after her small toys. I'm staying busy with the mom's groups that I am a part of. I'm really lucky to have them. My best friend is about to have a baby, so I'm anxiously awaiting being the one in the waiting room versus being the one in the hospital bed.

Keeping hope that things are going to turn around soon. God doesn't give us more than we can handle, and I trust that He will continue to watch over us.

I'd blog more...

but my life is kind of depressing at the moment. I mean, will I really want to look back on this period of my life? I mean, it's the same ol', same ol'.

When Dan got laid off in January, it was a hit to his self-esteem, and a huge hit to our financial status. We had gotten pretty well situated, things were good until that. Luckily, we had put a good chunk in our savings, and figured taht the lay-off couldn't last much longer than May...right?

WRONG.

It is now the 23rd of June. The savings is gone. Dan was actually offered a job at the company that laid him off as a forklift operator, but he took a THIRTY THREE percent pay cut. We're losing over 1200 dollars a MONTH. So, now that the money is gone, what do we do?

I got put on WIC back in April. With me breastfeeding, this gives us milk, cheese, veggies, etc to help alleviate the monetary stress of feeding the family. But it wasn't enough, so I sucked up my pride and went to DSS for food stamps. I got there and looked around, thinking "I don't belong here!" but in all essence, I suppose I do. I feel like I'm justifying my decision when I say that the food stamp program was meant for people like us, people who are having a hard time, who don't plan on living off the system. We only need it for a little while, until Dan can start working as a process tech again and get us back that 1200 a month.

So I'm there, and the case worker tells me how much we'll be getting per month, and it will really help us a lot. I won't have to stress over feeding my family. HOWEVER, they told us that we'd be getting our EBT card at the beginning of the month. But it hasn't come, and my case worker isn't answering my phone calls. I've been trying to call since the 6th. Finally, yesterday, I got the number for a supervisor at DSS.

"Your complaint will be dealt with in the order in which it was received. You will be getting a phone call or a letter within the next two weeks, after we have researched your complaint."

Shit, man, what do I do until then? If I had the money to pay for groceries, don't you think I'd be using it? I need that money to feed my children! I'm feeling desperate. I don't know what to do, I don't know where to turn. I feel like I'm drowning and I don't know if we'll ever bounce back.

Updates

I haven't been blogging lately because there isn't a lot going on. We went to JAX to see my sissie Jessi at the end of May, and had the best time. I'm already searching for hospitals I can work at once nursing school is over. I would love to be close to her again. I'm reminded how truly blessed I am to have such wonderful siblings.

Came home to a third ear infection in a month for Jacob. Two rounds of antibodics didn't work, and he actually developed the third one while on the second round of amoxicillin. Very frustrating. No wonder he's been so unhappy, his little ears hurt!

Jake cut his first tooth on Thursday! It has been a LONG time coming, but it finally poked through, bottom right tooth. The bottom left tooth is close behind it. We started Jake on meats for the first time this week. He hates them! HATES them. I have to mix them with fruits to even get him to swallow them, but he scrunches up his little face like, ewwwww, you're making me eat this?? it is kind of funny. He also refuses to eat green vegetables, so I have to mix them with carrots.

Lindsey was sick yesterday. Really sick. She had a temp of 103.5 for over five hours, and it wasn't coming down with meds. It finally broke in the middle of the night, but the poor girl kept throwing up every fluid we tried to get into her. But today, she's all better.

I've resolved to lose at least fifteen pounds. I started on May 28th, and I've already lost EIGHT pounds! I'm working hard on it.

Other than that, just lots of playgroups, homeschool lessons and general fun here!

leaving for a bit

I'm heading to Jacksonville to visit Jessi (my little sister) but I'm going to try to ipdate with some info and some pics next week after I get home. Promise.

How 'bout them apples?

Lindsey is a helpful sister. She likes to do things for her baby brother, especially feed him. So this morning, I told her that she could feed Jakers, and I made up the applesauce with rice cereal. I put the bowl on his tray, and she started feeding him. A friend called, and so I went into the living room to answer, though it was a short conversation. I checked on the kids, they were doing fine, so I went into the bathroom to clean the toilet. Lindsey comes in to tell me that she's done feeding Jake, and I told her I'd be right there to clean it up, as she normally knows to put the bowl in the sink.

Well, when she said she was done feeding him, it wasn't that he was FINISHED...it is that she was DONE feeding him. She didn't want to do it any more. So in the minute that it took me to finish scrubbing and wash my hands, Jake had taken his bowl that Lindsey had left on his tray and dumped it over his head. Applesauce was everywhere. In his hair, his ears, his tray, his high chair...everywhere. He was covered in applesauce. Oh I was so mad. I sent Lindsey to her room and had to hose down the boy, who nows smells a little like apples.

Now I'm craving pie :)

Tonight is the Greenville Technical College Graduation. Tonight I will finally have something to show for the past three years of busting my butt. Very rewarding. Dan, the kids and my in-laws are coming. I know that this isn't a big deal, not like my nursing degree, but I really wish my mom and dad were here. I miss them...I feel like they should be here for this, because it is every bit an accomplishment for them too. Sometimes I wish I didn't live so far away. :(

I'll post pictures tomorrow.

Happy Anniversary, my love!

Six years ago today, I married the man I want to spend the rest of my life with. When I try to put an amount of time that we've been together down, it doesn't seem right. It seems like Dan has always been a part of my life. We met in an odd way, I was dating the brother of his girlfriend. We became fast friends, which was kind of strange, because I never really hung out with anyone like Dan. We played video games and watched movies. We went to the races at Twin State Speedway. We'd hang out when we were with our respective partners, but we'd normally plead exhaustion and leave...just to go and hang out together. I really loved hanging out with him.

Then about 10 months after we met and started hanging out...Dan laid it out. He liked me. More than he should. This weirded me out. I thought about it though, and I realized that I felt the same way. He asked me if I wanted to talk about it, and I said no. :) I was worried about how I felt, especially since we were still dating our partners. A couple of weeks later though, we had broken up with them, and I moved in with him. The rest, as they say, is history.

Dan asked me to marry him on February 13, 2003 and we were married on May 11, 2003. I couldn't have asked for anyone better. We work so well together, we balance eachother out happily. We may not have lots of money, but we make up for it with love :)

Me and my honey April 2009

What is WRONG with me?

If I didn't know better, I'd think I was pregnant.

My hormones are out of control! Maybe it is the breastfeeding, with the hormones being still floating around in my body, maybe I'm just freaking going insane.

I don't even like being in my own body. The thoughts that I have been having just aren't healthy. I don't like myself, I don't like my husband. I'm frustrated with my kids (though you'll notice that I still like my kids). My temper is super short, I flare over the littlest thing. I'm frustrated over several situations in my life. I'm frustrated with some of the people in my life.

I miss my family. I miss my sisters especially. I want to find a job, but for the life of me, I can't get a call back---though I have got some pretty promising automated responses. Then part of me doesn't want to find a job, because I want to be with the kids. But if I don't find a job, there isn't enough money to go around. We are starting to sink...and I don't know how to stop that.

I'm going to try to stop the pity party, and remind myself that today is a new day.

Puddle Stomping.

Yesterday was cinco de mayo! We celebrated by doing a craft, going to the library to read books about Mexico, having a Mexican dinner (mmm quesadillas and tacos!) and finishing off the evening at Janna and John's house for margaritas. Very fun. Lindsey and I had run to Bi-Lo to get stuff for dinner and got caught in a rainstorm. She giggled the entire jog from the store to the car. We were soaked! I always try to remember that when you're five, one of the best things in the world is splashing in puddles.

I always want to be the kind of mom who will stop what she is doing and stomp in the puddles.

It is really starting to hit me that this is the last summer I have with my child before school corrupts her and she realizes I'm not the coolest person in the world. It makes my heart physically hurt knowing this. So I'm working hard to do lots of fun things with her before I have to send her off to kindergarten.

Today is Lindsey's favorite stuffed animal (Rabby)'s birthday. We made cupcakes, made presents, decorated her room and had a tea party. I'm currently enjoying "Best Mom in the World" status.

And that heartache lives on...

Just another Manic Monday...

This morning, we went to a playdate at the park with a group I just rejoined since stepping down as Organizer of the GAMM. It was fun...and the biggest perk? Not having to host it. I was able to just watch my kiddos and not have to introduce everyone and be the gracious hostess. I could get used to the anonymity that comes with not organizing a group.

It has been raining on and off all day. We hurried to leave the park so we wouldn't get caught in the rain, but I had to stop at Bi-Lo for some good BOGO deals. I found eggs for 88 cents too, so that was egg-citing...HAHA. (Sorry, I couldn't help myself). We spent the rest of the day @ home, and I even got to nap for an hour and a half...we all did!

We were supposed to go to Twilight Tales tonight, but Lindsey started coughing up a storm. I think that I was fooled though. She hasn't coughed since I told her we could stay home. I think she just really wanted to stay home with her daddy. Dan is helping me with some chores which makes for a happy wife.

Tomorrow is a busy day with Cinco de Mayo...Ole!

Whew...I almost forgot.

I almost forgot to blog. I'm so proud of myself for remembering to come on here and blog! Last night we ended up watching Peter Pan. It is always so much fun spending time with my family...it doesn't really matter what we do.

Right now I'm trying to write a fiction piece. It is a lot harder than I thought it would be. I've got some parts in my mind, and I'm just trying to put all these thoughts on paper (ok, computer) and make it mesh together. I've always wanted to write, and while I have good ideas, I just never can get it out right. So we'll see how this one comes out. It seems promising. I don't really know the process after writing, but I'll worry about that step when I get to it. I need to get the creative juices flowing tonight. I plan on putting Lindsey to bed early and going to town on the laptop.

Speaking of Lindsey and bed, we're having a hard time with her wetting the bed. She's wet the bed four times this week. She didn't have any accidents when we were in Florida, and the week before FL, she had two accidents. This is really unheard of for my child. I can't think of anything that could have happened, or why she is doing this. I'm starting to think that she might have a UTI or something. We're going to not let her drink anything after 1900, and put her to bed at 2100. I think she might be staying up too late, and that she is too tired to wake up in the night to go to the bathroom. I don't want to put her in diapers or anything...because I don't feel like that actually TEACHES her anything. She gets frustrated with herself, and I'm frustrated too. I feel like I am doing something wrong. We'll see how this goes. If anything, it will be some extra time to myself!

Operation Fatten Baby is going well. Jake really will eat almost anything I try to stuff in his mouth...except GREEN BEANS. He hates them. At least he looks handsome covered in carrots. He's still doing a really good job with nursing, so I think that he should have gained some weight when we see the doc again on the 19th.

I'm going to try to do some more writing before the bedtime rituals begin in about a half hour. Here's hoping we stay dry through the night!

I've got it!

Today was my last clinical for Patient Care, and I have the certificate in hand...I am now a Patient Care Tehcnician! How cool is that? Now I'm trying to find a job, and it is proving to be harder than I thought it would be. Hopefully I can get everything to pan out the way I want, because I really REALLY need a job. I mean, the nursing program won't start until January, what am I supposed to do until then?

I was out at 1, and my mother in law had taken Lindsey to a tea party, which was really neat for Lindsey. We've been hanging out for the day, and I'm happy blogging while Dan plays SimCity 3000 on the desktop. Lindsey is bouncing off the walls and desperately wants to play on the computer...but Dan doesn't wanna hand over the desktop. He's selfish.

I'm trying to figure out what I want to do for the evening. With trying to save money, we've been staying home, but MAN that gets pretty boring. I really want a nap but it is 1640 and that's waaaaay too late for me to nap. I'll never go to sleep tonight! I've also got to figure out what to do for dinner. Again, trying to save money, so we've been trying to actually EAT what is in our cupboards. Imagine that, eh? I think I'll just thaw some meat and make hamburger helper.

Dan watched Lindsey and that starting-to-get-fat baby of mine this morning. So that means that Jake got fed one thing of baby food and he probably didn't get fed any baby food for lunch. YOU CAN NEVER COUNT ON ANYONE TO DO IT LIKE YOU CAN! I mean, I left a note with times and everything. HOW CAN YOU MESS THAT UP?! Grr.

I'm considering re-reading the Twilight series again. I do it about once a month. Admittedly obsessed with these books. I have so many ideas for books floating around in my head, and I would LOVE to actually get one out. I've started one, and we'll see how it pans out. Maybe if I could write a book like Stephenie Meyer, I wouldn't have to work. *SIGH*

Time's up...back tomorrow. Three days in a row...call me butter, I'm on a roll!

Day 2: Rough going.

So it is Day Two of Operation Fatten Baby. Yesterday I lost many a good shirt to the enemy fire of butternut squash. Thank God for Shout! Like I said, Jacob doesn't really like food of the baby kind. He basically wants to sustain life with boob milk. Which wouldn't be a huge deal if the child actually would spend time eating instead of getting on there for five minutes, then losing interest and playing for a little while, then expecting to be able to come back to it. I'm not a freaking cow for God's sake. Today so far has been a little better, instead of breakfast taking a half hour, it only took twenty minutes, so I'm taking that to be a good sign.

Last night our family went to the Bos family's house for dinner. Janna and John made yummy steak and potatoes, which is a real treat for us because we never have steak. We like steak, but let's be honest here, my husband can not grill worth crap. Hot dogs, the occasional hamburger, yes. Steaks? Not so much. It was a nice evening spent with good friends---and good wine too! AS the girls get older, we're finding that they get along a lot better and play nicer.

Today is a lazy day so far. It is 1005 and we're still in our pajamas. Lindsey is wanting to play on the computer, but I told her that I had to blog first. That, in turn, set off a whole bunch of questions (what's a blog? what do you write on there? can I do it?) that took time out of my blogging!! Grr. Both my kids are being quite needy today. Dan just went to sleep and is planning on napping until 1, then we'll have time together as a family.

The weather is looking a little iffy today. I was kind of hoping that we could play in the baby pool on the back porch but I don't think it is going to happen. I'm really hoping to get a move on with Jacob's scrapbook, and to start Lindsey's fifth year scrapbook (from her 4th birthday to her 5th). Unfortunately with the bed rest, that will be a small scrapbook. :( We're going to try to see my friend Kim and her kids today...with our schedules it is hard for the two of us to get together. Then it is movie night tonight. Who knows what we'll be watching but we pile all the blankets and pillows in the house on the living room floor and cuddle together with a movie. It was one of our favorite pre-Jake things to do and now we're hoping to re-incorportate it into our lives.

So I'm proud of myself for taking the time this morning to blog...two days in a row...WOOT!

Day 1: Operation Fatten Baby.

So, yesterday I took Jakers to the pediatrician for his 6 month check up. He now weighs in at 16 pounds, 11 ounces. He's 27.5 inches tall and his head is 17.25 inches around.

His height is in the 85th percentile, his weight is in the 30th percentile and his head is in the 47th percentile. Everything but his height has dropped significantly.

And he has an ear infection.

Poor bean.

So, Dr. Parker (fantastic doctor, I absolutely adore her) handed me a scrip for amox (actually, she faxed it in to Publix---did you know that they do FREE amoxicillin? WOOT) and told me that she was a bit concerned about Jake's weight. She told me that she wants me to breastfeed him every four hours and she wants Jake to eat baby food three times a day. Cereal and fruit in the am, fruit and veg in the afternoon and a meat and veg at dinner time. Can you say piggy boy? If he hasn't caught up in 3 months then we might have something to be concerned about. And she wants to see him in 3 weeks to see how his ear is.

I have a schedule on the fridge that shows the time that I will be feeding my baby boy. And when he gets his meds so I won't forget.

I wish that he liked food more. He has absolutely no interest in baby food. I wish that I had that problem. :)

Starting anew.

Okay, this time, I really mean it. I will take fifteen minutes a day and blog. I mean it.

Poor Little Man...

Jake is covered from head to toe in eczema! My poor guy. We're headed to the doctor tomorrow morning at 9:45. He is very unhappy. I'll update tomorrow with how he is doing. I'm doing all that I can to keep him slathered up with lotions and diaper cream (since the rash is also in his diaper). Lindsey is trying to help keep him from crying with dancing around the house and being silly but it is making me a little crazy.

With Dan working third shift now, I try really hard to keep the house quiet so he can sleep, but my two wonderful children do not LIKE to be quiet. Dan's a pretty sound sleeper though, so I suppose it's all good. I really hate him being on third shift...not because of the hours, but because he is so unhappy in this position. I hate my husband to be unhappy. But he does what he needs to to keep us afloat. But I am doubting that he will be able to do it for much longer. I'm just trying to remain supportive and loving :)

Lindsey is obsessed with the TV. Movies, TV, video games, whatever. And I'm having a hard time breaking her away from it. Today she has watched 1 movie (while my MIL was here watching the kids while I was in microbiology) but that is it. She doesn't have to be so attached to the damn thing. I'm half tempted to get it out of the freaking out but I think my husband would divorce me. haha. So, I've taken to only allowing it during certain times. I'm the TV Nazi.

I'm off to go do some studying, I have a big microbiology test on Thurs that I am only somewhat prepared for...but I wanted to update :)

Quick hi

Everyone is doing great---so busy I can't see sraight.

Volunteering @ hospital today for first time...nervous!
Dan hates third shift, we can't wait until it picks back up again so he can have his job back!
Lindsey growing quickly, learning new things every day!
Jake is a handsome boy, his laugh is amazing!

Will update a little more soon!

Living in Fast Forward

Life is going by so fast. Between classes, Dan working, the kids, and clinicals starting, I have been a busy, busy woman. Things are going ok. Dan really does not like this new position with his company, but apparently it is temporary, so I hope that it is.

Classes are going well, I really enjoy patient care and I've made friends within the class that I enjoy being around four days a week! Microbiology is hard, but I am actually enjoying the information that I am learning. Genetics is super cool :)

Lindsey is almost done with her reading lessons! I'm very proud of her. I hate that I can't devote as much time to her, and I'm afraid that she will resent her brother, but unfortunately I just can't do it all. Jake has been grumpy lately because he is trying to tell us that he doesn't want the bottle, but unfortunately, Mommy can't be with him all the time, so he has to deal with it! He has the most amazing laugh that I take advantage of at any time possible.

Today I am going to try to do some scrapbooking done, go take the kids to the park, take a nap, and enjoy time with my hubby. Tomorrow I am volunteering at the consignment sale with Janna, and Dan begins third shift. Ugh. Hopefully it won't be too long.

I'm a terrible person, I know.

So I know I promised an update two weeks ago, now I'm finally getting to it. I have been really busy with school. I knew it would be hard, but not THIS hard! Microbiology is kicking my butt. There has been a LOT going on in our household lately.

Dan got laid off this past Monday. Which was a blow to his ego. He's been there for almost two years, had seniority over four people, and HE is the one to get laid off. Our hearts hurt. However, on Wednesday his work called back and offered him a position at their warehouse driving a fork truck. While he takes a pay cut, he is still employed, which is saying more than thousands of other people in the country. We'll just have to scrimp and save as much as possible. I'm going to try to get a job and help out. How I'll do that going to school full time and breastfeeding a baby I don't know, but I'll figure it out!

Lindsey is doing amazingly well. I signed her up for kindergarten on the 16th, and she is very excited. She loves school, so I feel bad about homeschooling her, but it is just so much easier to homeschool at this point in time, not to mention so much cheaper. She's doing well on her reading lessons, and she is so smart. We went to the park yesterday and let her run off some energy. We hate being cooped up in the house during the winter!

Jake is growing so fast! He is 3 months old. When I took him to the doctor at the beginning of the month he was 13 pounds, 5 ounces and I weighed him yesterday and he was 15 pounds. I'm happy that he seems to be growing well. His smile lights up the room and his giggle is one of the most beautiful sounds I have ever heard in my life. He is such a little flirt! He will smile and cock his head to one side, acting all coy. Very sweet. He's also teething, which is not fun. The poor lil man has got some swollen gums, and a tooth trying to poke through. Poor Jake. Poor Mommy's boobs. haha.

I've been sick since Monday. Sinus infection and ear infection, and I'm still pondering going to the doc to get checked for strep. Ewwww kill me now. I'm so uncomfortable that I can't sleep, so that is why I am blogging at 6:20 in the morning.

So my goal is to get a little better about blogging, but please be patient with me and the insanity that is my life :)

Update soon.

I have had classes all day, and have class tonight, but I will update tomorrow. Promise.