I have been stupidly watching the shows on TLC like A Baby Story, Deliver Me, Bringing Home Baby, etc...and I can't seem to stop crying! Now that it is time for me to be delivering my 2nd child, I find myself so terrified.
Our lives are going to change forever. Lindsey will not be the center of my universe any more, she will have to share me with someone else. She's so used to being my only one. I can't even get excited about her birthday that is in less than 2 weeks because I am so focused on getting her brother here safely and as soon as possible.
I am the sister to 3 siblings, but I can't remember a time with out my sisters---I mean, Eric came when I was 13, so I can remember life without him (not like I want to!). Will Lindsey remember life without her brother? Who knows.
All I know is that my life, Dan's life, Lindsey's life are changing and there is nothing that we can do about it. There is no stopping this. Everything is ready---his room is set, his bag for the hospital is packed (with his coming home outfit all washed and ready to go) and my bags are packed. I say that I am so ready to get him out, but in all actuality, I'm NOT! I can't believe how fast 38 weeks has gone. When Lindsey is asleep I wish that she would just wake up so I can hold her and pretend that she is still my baby, because there isn't much longer that she will be. I'm so irritatble and mean lately that I feel like I am taking everything out on her...and I feel like I will regret that for the rest of my life. My daughter is sleeping at the foot of my bed right now and I miss her so much because she isn't WITH me. But when she is awake, she's all over me like white on rice and that drives me insane.
So as of 10:30 tomorrow morning, we will have some semblance of an idea as to when I will have this little man. I can't believe that it is time. It really is a miracle that Jake has even survived this long. My father told me today that five months ago, he didn't expect that Jake would survive, though he would have cut out his tongue rather than tell me that. There is a downside to having medical personnel in your family...the same as it is to be a medical student when you are experiencing a high-risk pregnancy.
Jakey---I can't wait to meet you, my little miracle.
2 comments:
I know you are ready for Jake to be here! You have been through so much and it's time to reap the rewards. I can imagine that it's gonna be difficult spreading yourself between two children, but there is always enough love to go around. I'm sure there will be times when Lindsey may feel jealous or whatever, but she knows that you both love her just as much as her little brother and who knows, she may be a great helper to you with the baby. Good luck sweetie!
Having two is not as bad as it seems, though for the first few days I'm sure you will miss Lindsey terribly. When Matthew was born I was pretty focused on that, then my third day home gillian was sleeping on the couch and i sat on the floor and held her hand and started bawling and george was like whats wrong? and i said "I miss her" because I did, I missed her. But it gets much better and it is amazingly easy to share yourself with another. Try not to stress about it. Plus you have a great husband who can watch jake while you take time out with lindsey. everything will be great.... I promise
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