Sunday, August 22, 2010
Between school, work and the kids, life is just hectic beyond belief. I'm trying to establish a routine, but I'm failing miserably. I don't know how I can make the most of my day. I need some kind of computer program or something that will give me a calendar. And I need to stop reading fanfiction so I can focus on actually doing responsible things.
I haven't been able to write very much lately. I want to, but I just don't have the energy after I've been in school, worked five hours, taken care of two kids and done two hours of homework. I don't know how I can fit it into my day.
Back to care plan. I'm hoping that I can come back on here later and update more.
Friday, June 25, 2010
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
our memorial day weekend was uneventful. dan had to work, so it was just me and the kiddos. i tried to do some cleaning, but while i was doing some organizing, jake went and dumped all the fish food on the floor and threw a matchbox car on the floor. this was after he broke a jar of green beans on the floor. so i gave up.
lindsey found her recorder. not that i had hid it from her but...well, let's just say that i hadn't gone out of my way to look for it. so she's been walking around the house alternately playing that or strumming on her guitar. i'm happy that she got the musical gene but dear god, i'd love it if she could actually play rather than just make sound.
last night some of my friends from school came over for a barbecue. dan and vanessa's boyfriend kenny braved the rain and went out to use the gas grill by the pool for burgers and dogs. i made my yummy pasta and potato salads and some corn on the cob. vanessa and kenny brought cake, bonnie, jessica and mark brought appetizers, then kristin and christie brought chips. it was great. we ate and played apples to apples until almost midnight. the potato salad was well received. it's so easy that it's pathetic and i always get compliments on it.
beck's potato salad
6-8 potatoes, peeled, cubed, boiled (about 10 minutes-ish)
6 hard boiled eggs, chopped into pieces
1 cup-ish mayonnaise (i kind of eyeball it, enough to coat)
1/4 cup mustard (again, eyeballed just until it begins to turn yellow)
salt and pepper to taste
makes about 12 servings. and 1 serving equals about 209 kcals.
so dan is at work again today and tomorrow, then we have a weekend with him all to ourselves. can't wait!
Sunday, May 30, 2010
the reason i'm coming on here is to share my banana nut muffin recipe! YUM.
beckie's best banana nut muffins
|1/4||cup butter, softened|
|1||cup white sugar|
|3||ripe bananas, mashed|
|2||cups all-purpose flour|
|1||teaspoon baking soda|
|1||cup chopped walnuts|
- Preheat oven to 350 degrees F.
- In a large bowl, cream together butter and sugar. Beat in the egg and mashed bananas. Mix in flour, baking soda and salt just until combined. Mix in chopped walnuts.
- Pour into muffin cups.
- Bake in preheated oven for 40 minutes. If top begins to brown too quickly, decrease heat slightly. Center should be soft and chewy, while the outside, crisp and crunchy. Makes about 18 muffins
they are AWESOME, downside is one of them is 180 calories, even worse when you slather them with butter. eh. sometimes the kcals are worth it.
Saturday, May 29, 2010
we moved into an apartment a couple of weeks ago. i love it. it's nice to have all my stuff around me again. my dad and sisters came this past weekend and i thoroughly enjoyed having them here. we explored greenville, went to a drive baseball game, hung by the pool and went out for hibatchi, along many other things. it was great.
i picked up a new book to read at the pool and i'm in love with it. the series is called The Hunger Games and it's by Suzanne Collins. i really enjoyed reading about a strong and self-reliant heroine rather than a girl who is so dependent on a man to make her happy like bella in the twilight series. i also read percy jackson and the olympians while i was finishing classes, and what a great series. i love to read, so any suggestions for books would be greatly appreciated. i'm enjoying this break from school because i get to read and write for a little while.
as far as writing. i've done some stuff, but i haven't worked on my book at all. i keep meaning to, but alas, it just doesn't come. i'm about 2/3 of the way through it though. i'm sure i can finish it by the end of the year if i devote the time to it.
so i tried out a new recipe the other day for breakfast at dinner (aka "b at d" at our house), and it was so tasty that i'm going to share it, partly to share, but mostly so i can remember what i did the next time i make it.
beckie's breakfast skillet
- 6 slices bacon (i used turkey bacon and it was still tasty)
- 1/4 cup chopped green bell pepper
- 1/4 cup tablespoons finely chopped onion
- 6 cups cubed cooked potatoes
- 1/2 cup shredded sharp cheddar cheese
- 6 eggs
- salt and pepper
heat the drippings remaining in the pan until sizzling. add the bell pepper, onion and potatoes; cook, stirring gently, until the potato cubes are browned.
make 6 holes in potato mixture and drop 1 egg into each hole, then cover. let cook until eggs are firm (it took about 6 minutes i think). sprinkle the shredded cheese and bacon over it and cook until melted. season with salt and pepper. serve immediately. makes 6 servings.
my husband brought this to work the day after and he said that it heated up really well, even though i'd had my doubts. it was a win with my kids too. i just made sure to serve it with ketchup because my disgusting family members like ketchup on their eggs and potatoes *vomit*.
i'm going to *try* to blog at least once a week, but i'm not holding my breath.
Monday, April 12, 2010
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
let's see. i'm on spring break from school this week and i'm enjoying it. we took a little mini vacation and stayed with friends up in charlotte (read: we drank way too much, sang american idol on the wii and passed out) and we made some really yummy easter rice krispy treats:
easter egg rice krispy treats (microwave)
3 tablespoons butter or margarine
1 bag of jumbo marshmallows
6 cups of rice krispies (or the store brand works great)
melt the butter and marshmallows together in the microwave for 2 minutes, stir, then heat for 1 more minute in the microwave. add the 6 cups of cereal and mix well. scoop 1/3 cup of mixture at a time onto a piece of wax paper and shape into an egg with buttered hands.
let cool for a little bit, then dip half of the egg into melted chocolate and put sprinkles on top. put them in the fridge so the chocolate to cool, then enjoy. YUM
we're just hanging around for the rest of the week. i have a to-do list a mile long, but i've been crossing things off left and right. my mother in law made dinner tonight, perhaps living with the inlaws is quite nice in some aspects :)
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Sunday, February 28, 2010
having said that, we have absolutely no privacy and i miss being able to walk from the bathroom to my bedroom nekkid. but i'll get over that.
Classes are killing me and i wonder what I was thinking when I decided to go into nursing school Care plans suck and I study ALL THE TIME. No time for anything else.
I've transferred to another Publix up here in Greenville. Dan's started a new job in a town called Cowpens, whose only claim to fame is that there was a significant Civil War battle there. Whatev. He's got his hands back on machines, that's all he cares about.
I'm homeschooling Lindsey again, and while it cuts into my day and study time, it's worth it so that she doesn't have to switch schools again.
That is all. :)
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Awesome Crock-Pot Pot Roast
- 2 cans condensed cream of mushroom soup
- 1 package onion soup mix
- 1 1/4 cups water
- 1 teaspoon Worcestershire sauce
- 1/4 c red wine
- 1 cup beef broth
- 5 1/2 pounds pot roast
- carrots, celery, red potatoes and sweet onion
- In a slow cooker, mix together the cream of mushroom soup, dry onion soup mix, Worcestershire, wine, broth and water. Put pot roast in crock pot and coat with soup mixture. Add in vegetables.
- Cook on low setting for 8 to 9 hours.
- Serve with some crusty bread...YUM.
After many discussions we've decided to take Dan's parent's offer to stay with them while we get back on our feet. We've decided that this will help with childcare while I'm in classes, help us get rid of our debt and get us back on track. We're not putting a cap on how long we'll be there, we're simply going to see how we do.
We hate to do it, but we're not the first, nor are we the last people to move in with our parents. Life will go on and we will adjust, just like we always do.
Saturday, February 6, 2010
I think that it's because I put so much of myself into this story. blood, sweat and tears literally pour from my fingertips and onto the Word document. These are my characters, my plot, my surroundings...I think what I'm afraid of is something I've always been afraid of: being made fun of.
I was not a popular person in high school. Sure, I had friends, I had a couple of boyfriends. But I never felt like I fit in exactly. Always felt like I was on the outside looking in. Hell, I still feel that way most of the time, except for when I'm with my husband. I'm lucky enough that he completes me and that I don't need to fit in anywhere else.
So I decided that I don't care any more. I'm 25 years old. I'm a wife, mother, student and employee. I'm a reader, a tweeter, a facebook addict, a Twilight-aholic. I love to write fanfiction...and people think that I'm talented and enjoy what I write. I've decided since to try to use my talents in a *real* scenario. My husband is supportive of anything and everything I do, so why should I even care if someone who thinks that they know me judges me for the person that I am?
I'm a good person, a loyal friend, a caring and devoted wife and mom. Who wouldn't want to be friends with me? And sure, I write about Bella choosing Jacob instead of Edward at the end of Eclipse, but really, who the hell cares? What difference does it make? It doesn't change the kind of person that I am.
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
Maybe that can be my new February resolution.
I don't have that much crap to write about. My life is a bit depressing. Work, school, kids, husband...yeah that's about it.
Today is my Grammy's birthday! She's the big 7-0 today. I hope that she has a wonderful day and I wish that I could be there to help her celebrate. My mother is also having surgery, another reason why I wish that I could be in New Hampshire. But we made our decision to live down here so I need to suck it up.
Oh, so I'm trying this recipe today:
Pizza Tater Tot Casserole
- 1 pound ground beef
- 1 medium green pepper, chopped
- 1 medium onion, chopped
- 1 can (10-3/4 ounces) condensed tomato soup, undiluted
- 1 jar (4-1/2 ounces) sliced mushrooms, drained
- 1 teaspoon Italian seasoning
- 2 cups (8 ounces) shredded part-skim mozzarella cheese
- 1 package (32 ounces) frozen Tater Tots
- In a large skillet, cook the beef, pepper and onion over medium heat until meat is no longer pink; drain. Add the soup, mushrooms and Italian seasoning.
- Transfer to a greased 13-in. x 9-in. baking dish. Top with cheese and potatoes. Bake, uncovered, at 400° for 30-35 minutes or until golden brown. Yield: 6-8 servings.
I've got a crapload of stuff to do today, so I'll blog more tomorrow.
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Too Much Chocolate Cake
- 1 package devil's food cake mix
- 1 package instant chocolate pudding mix
- 1 cup sour cream
- 1 cup vegetable oil
- 4 eggs
- 1/2 cup warm water
- 2 cups semisweet chocolate chips (i use the mini ones because they don't sink)
- Preheat oven to 350 degrees F (175 degrees C).
- In a large bowl, mix together the cake and pudding mixes, sour cream, oil, beaten eggs and water. Stir in the chocolate chips and pour batter into a well greased 12 cup bundt pan.
- Bake for 50 to 55 minutes, or until top is springy to the touch and a wooden toothpick inserted comes out clean. Cool cake thoroughly in pan at least an hour and a half before inverting onto a plate Top with chocolate frosting, garnish with strawberries.
I've been having a lot of issues with Jake lately. He's been kind of sick, running a low fever, runny nose and cough. He's such a brat though. He's into everything, he doesn't listen when we say no...he's an extreme baby. He literally drives me insane. However, this morning I finally figured out why he was being a complete tool today: he popped through 4 molars. I bet that freaking hurts!
Jake is my high maintenance kid. Like I just had to stop blogging so I could stop him from putting his fingers in the outlet. and i just had to yell at him for pounding on the desktop keyboard. and to stop messing with my papers on the end table. and again with the keyboard. I take things away but he just finds something else to get into and then i have no idea where my shit is.
Lindsey was a good baby. She listened, stayed out of trouble, and cuddled when I wanted her to. Now I've got this hellion and I'm wondering what I was thinking.
And also wondering why when I'm away or he's napping...I miss him and just want chaos back.
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
HOW 'BOUT THEM COLTS?!?!
I am so stoked. Unfortunately I had to work so I was only able to see the last half, and even then Dan was so superstitious that I couldn't WATCH it, I had to check it covertly online. I died. I was dying the whole time and I couldn't tell him that I was looking at it or he would have beat me. So I silently cried, cheered and ultimately died. I'm desperately in love with Peyton Manning, no matter how many people tell me he is unattractive. They can all shrivel and die. Haters.
Dan and I had a *date* on Friday night. We had gift certificates to the Olive Garden but with Lindsey being sick we didn't want to go out or get a babysitter, so we got takeout. Olive Garden does an awesome takeout. We also got some snickers cheesecake from Publix. It was tasty. And doing it after the kids went to bed assured us of quiet evening. It was awesome. Having time like that lets us focus on us, on our relationship, and what's important to us.
Dan went out with a couple of friends on Saturday night so I stayed home with the kids. I needed to do some cleaning so I went to town. It's hard for me to clean our bedroom because whenever i'm home it seems like dan is sleeping. So I lit some candles, hoping that the bathroom and the bedroom would smell a little nicer when Dan got home. Then I realized that it wasn't doing a good enough job of destinking the house so I used the Lysol room deodorizer. BIG MISTAKE. I set off the smoke detectors. Not exactly sure how it happened, but Lindsey and I ran around the entire house blowing out candles and fanning the detectors. I had this fear that the fire department was gonna come busting into my house while I was cleaning in my little tank top and shorts. Luckily they didn't. Or maybe I would have had some hot firemen carrying me away. DAMMIT!
Classes are kicking my butt. There is soooo much reading and soooo much homework. I'm really fortunate that I read so quickly, but being that i'm one of those people who learn by writing things over and over, my hand is killing me. Not to mention I'm killing trees with my need for nursing.
Good news is that I was finally inspired for my book. I'm back to writing again. WOOT!
Today I'm off from both school and work so I'm doing schoolwork and housework before going to the grocery store. I'm wanting to play with playdough with Lindsey today so I need to get everything done this morning. I figure i'll even take a nap while Jake does, because I'm not sleeping well. Le sigh. There's always something, eh?
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Beckie's Super Scampi
depends on how much shrimp you have but...
2 sticks of butter
1/2 c-3/4 c white wine
2 cloves of garlic (ish)
2 T flour (for thickening sauce)
1 1/2 T scampi seasoning if you have it. if not, it's okay. still tastes yummy
41-60 count shrimp
mix together, let shrimp cook all the way through then pour over cooked noodles.
Serve immediately with vast quantities of white wine.
So in other news, I finally organized my coupons and cleaned Lindsey's room. This is big. Now I'm in the middle of writing a little something, it appears as if my writing block is over. WOOT!
Monday, January 18, 2010
Anywho, I'm still taking medicine from the discomfort of sleeping on the floor. We went to a playdate today with my friends Kim, Mandy and Jen along with their kids. It was crazy and insane but so much fun. I've missed my friends a lot since we've moved to Anderson.
For dinner tonight, I made a Taco Pie. It was really good, but Lindsey was being picky because i added salsa to it and she didn't want the tomatoes. GRRRR.
- 1 package refrigerated crescent rolls
- 1 pound ground beef
- 1 jar of salsa, any temperature
- 1 package taco seasoning mix
- 1 container sour cream
- 1 cupshredded Mexican-style cheese blend
- 1 package crushed tortilla chips
- Preheat oven to 350 degrees F (175 degrees C).
- Lay crescent dough flat on the bottom of a square cake pan and bake according to package directions.
- Meanwhile, brown the ground beef in a large skillet over medium high heat. Add the taco seasoning and stir together well. When dough is done, remove from oven and place meat mixture on top, then layer with salsa sour cream and cheese, and then top off with the crushed nacho chips.
- Return to oven and bake at 350 degrees F (175 degrees C) for 10 minutes, or until cheese has melted.
So now Dan is off to work and I'm off to bed, because my glasses broke and my neck is starting to hurt from having to hover 6 inches from the laptop screen just so I can see this post. That's dedication right there.
Friday, January 15, 2010
I can't write. I'm in this horrific blockage. I've tried writing different things, but I can't. I sit there for hours, staring at the empty word document. It's so frustrating...and what's worse is that I use writing as my escape, as my calm down...but this makes it so that I can't calm down. I've been a nasty bitch and evil, all because I can't write. I don't know what to do.
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
I'm already laden with homework. In crazy amounts.
Today was class picture day, so I put Lindsey in a cute little outfit and did her hair all pretty with bows. She hated it. HAHA. My girl is definitely not into the dressing up thing. I put her in dress pants...with sneakers. I wasn't willing to fight anymore.
I went to the grocery store today, spent $90, saved $87. Have to grab some stuff I forgot when i get to work tonight, but that's no biggie. I like saving all the money that I can, it makes grocery shopping almost a game. And it isn't like we don't use the food, because we definitely do! Sales=Beckie's best friend.
In honor of the great deal on chicken I got (1.99/lb!) here's the recipe of the week!
Dan's Chicken Nastiness (aka Easy Cheesy Chicken Bake)
Make stuffing as directed on package.
Mix chicken and broccoli in 13x9-inch baking dish. Stir in soup, milk and cheese; top with stuffing.
Bake at 400 degrees for 30 min. or until chicken is done and casserole is heated through.
Monday, January 11, 2010
What the hell was I thinking?!
I might need a glass of wine and a Vicodin by the time I get home from class today.
Moving on, I lost five pounds in my bout of sickness. So I figured that this was a jumpstart to my diet and exercise regime. I took Lindsey to the gym with me yesterday, it was hilarious. While I jogged on the treadmill, she stretched and did yoga to all the posters in the complex gym. She used the treadmill too, but got very bored with it. I get bored with it too, but alas, I have to do it.
I figured that using the gym would be good for her because we can't go outside right now. It's so cold! When I brought Lindsey to school this morning, it was SEVENTEEN degrees. We might as well be in New Hampshire. At least if we were, we'd have snow.
Saturday, January 9, 2010
You are the best thing that has ever happened to me and I'm so lucky that you asked me to marry you. You're an amazing father, a hard worker, and a fantastic husband. You put up with me and my crazy, and just roll your eyes at my random Twilight rants. You're supportive of everything I do and you try your hardest to give me and the kids everything that we could ever want and need. You are the sunshine to my clouds, the best part of my day. I love you more than words could ever say.
I'm sorry that you'll have to be taking care of me and the kids today on your special day, but realize that every day that you are in my life is special to me :)
i started feeling sick around 3:00, took a nap and headed to work, still feeling nauseous. i made it 45 minutes before i had to shut down my register and dash to the bathroom. i went back and opened my register back up, with my manager's promise that i could leave at 6pm. just 15 minutes to go. yeah, i couldn't make it. so i went home and just...died. i lost count of how many times i threw up after ten...in four hours.
gastroenteritis is not my friend.
poor dan, he was so amazing. he took care of the kids, made me chicken noodle soup, emptied my yak bucket, rubbed my back...he was awesome. Lindsey was great too. she came in my room and took care of me...but mostly she sat with me, which was better than anything else. i scared Jake when i was throwing up, he started screaming.
i was supposed to work 9-5 today, but i can't. while i'm not throwing up any more, i'm really dehydrated and i just hurt. I still can't keep anything down, and part of me is afraid to try. Lindsey just started complaining about her tummy, and I am guessing that I've got a long day ahead of me.
To top it all off...it's Dan's birthday. Sigh.
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Dan and I helped her this evening to get her two front teeth out. Well, I held her in my lap and tried to keep her calm while Dan got increasingly frustrated at her freaking out and covering her mouth. LOL. After much conniving and persuasion, we were able to get her to open her mouth long enough to get in there and wiggle the teeth. Both came out within 30 seconds of us getting her mouth open.
Then came the trying to get her to gargle salt water. She freaked out because she saw the crazy amounts of blood but she didn't want to gargle the salt water because of the way it tasted. She was crying over the blood, but we were able to calm her down eventually, and let her stay up.
Tonight the Tooth Fairy will come and leave two gold coins. The Tooth Fairy also leaves a really sweet note. I took it upon myself to find a picture of the Tooth Fairy and decided that it is time for me to yank my own teeth out if he'll come into MY bedroom.
I'm dragging today. I need to do all the work I didn't do yesterday, but here I sit on the computer. I did a little writing, a little editing, but nothing major. And where I should be doing the housework while Jake naps, I will probably nap myself, because 5 hours of sleep and the Bex do not get along.
So tonight is family fun night. We have a movie, or play games, or go out...whatever. All phones, computers, etc get turned off and we focus on what is the most important to us. Tonight we're playing Operation, a game that Lindsey got for Christmas. I'm making sugar cookies, and decorating them with parts from the game, like a bread basket, a wish bone, a funny bone, etc. Here's my recipe:
Beckie's Sugar Cookies
- 1 teaspoon baking soda
- 2 3/4 cups all-purpose flour
- 1/2 teaspoon baking powder
- 1 cup butter, softened
- 1 1/2 cups white sugar
- 1 egg
- 1 teaspoon vanilla extract
- In a large bowl, cream together the butter and sugar until smooth. Beat in egg and vanilla. Blend in the dry ingredients. Roll rounded teaspoonfuls of dough into balls, and place onto ungreased cookie sheets.
- Bake 8 to 10 minutes in the preheated oven, or until golden. Let stand on cookie sheet two minutes before removing to cool on wire racks.
I'm sure it will be a great time. Dan is off tonight, his work cut him to NINETEEN hours this week. I have more hours this week than he does. Ridiculous.
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
I had the monster of all headaches today. The head pounding, vomit inducing, light sensitive migraine was the mother of all headaches. I took Excedrin, took Aleve, Tylenol, Diet Mountain Dew and a Milky Way. When all else fails, caffeine and meds are the way to go.
I wanted to get stuff done today, but for real, I could not do anything. Bend over, throw up. Spin too fast, pass out. I took a nap with Dan while Jake napped...for two hours. Still didn't help. Finally I took some DayQuil and it knocked the headache out for the most part. Can still feel it lurking, but I think that can be attributed to having two children rather than just the headache itself.
We went and spent some money at the stores with the gift certificates we got for Christmas. The kids got new shoes, Dan got the Jeff Dunham Christmas special, and now I'm off to play some Band Hero :)
Monday, January 4, 2010
Today was also Lindsey's first day back at school after Christmas vacation. That was really hard. I hated letting her go to school and it was almost like the first day of school all over again...I got teary eyed. I'm pathetic, I know.
Dan and I went to the gym so we could start our resolutions off right. Jake was a bit of an ass toward the end, but I guess I'd be bored sitting in a stroller while my parents ran around too. I bet exercise looks like fun to kids. HA! If they only knew.
After I picked Linds up from school we went to Publix for grocery shopping. I've become quite the super saver! Yesterday I bought $250 worth of groceries for $100.40. That includes buying MEAT! I'm impressed with myself. It has become a game, how much money can Beckie save this week? Dan's so proud of me, he brags about my savings to his family. I love my husband.
We took our Christmas stuff down today too. I'm happy to have my corner back, but Lindsey was pouty all evening. I wonder, would Santa come even if there wasn't a tree next year? This Christmas decorating stuff is a pain in the ass.
Sunday, January 3, 2010
work out four times a week. (wow. he's really straining himself)
Lose 30 pounds by June 1st
Go to gym five times a week
Do something special with the kids once a week
Finish my book
Blog so I can remember everything I did with the kids this year.
Clean room when Mom and Dad ask
Work on listening
Learn to tie shoes
Work on math and reading.
learn to talk.
The Young Family:
get outside at least twice a week
be more active
have a family fun night once a week.
2009 was a really rough year for us. Dan had been laid off and while he was fortunate enough to find another job, he took a really big paycut. Money problems ensued, which happen to everyone at some point I suppose. In August, he was offered a better paying job in the company, and we moved to Anderson to be closer to his work...and then the job fell through. Such is our life, we supposed.
I found a job working at Publix, a chain of grocery stores. I really like my job, it's very easy and I enjoy the people that I work with. It doesn't get in the way of school and that's what matters most to me. I work about 20 hours a week, and the money definitely helps out. I was accepted into nursing school in November, and classes start next Monday. I'm very excited to begin the part of my schooling that will get me to where I need to be in my career!
Lindsey started Kindergarten this year. We started in Greenville before moving to Anderson. She loves her school, loves her teachers, but still wishes she was homeschooling with Mommy. She's been tested and reads at a third grade level and does math at a second grade level. It's so impressive to very humbling when we meet with her teachers and they tell us how amazing our daughter is.
Jake is just...Jake. He's balls-to-the-walls extreme baby. To date, he has tried to tear the Christmas tree down fourteen times. He started walking at 10 months and hasn't stopped since. He's beginning to talk and it is so funny to listen to him. He's a very structured baby. He knows when he's supposed to nap and when he's supposed to eat. Mess with his schedule and all hell breaks loose.
I'm hoping that blogging will help to remind me what has happened in my life. I feel like so much time passes by me! Before I know it, my children will be grown and I'll be left here wondering what the hell happened.